regrets.  Not so much of what I did that I should’ve abstained from but rather what I did not do that I should have done.

“You have done nothing for which you should be ashamed!”

his response, “I have done nothing. And for that I am ashamed.” 1

many dream of leaving a legacy.  the desire to be remembered.

–

I took one of my best friends out for V-day this year.  This is only the 4th time I’ve actually done something for V-day.  It was fun and somewhat relaxing.  However, it answered a number of questions that I pondered in previous weeks.   Meanwhile,  unexpected events bring up potential opportunities.  Its always unforeseen, but the key here is risk.  With little time remaining at this institution, it would seem illogical foolish to pursue any such risk.

You can fight for an ideal,  a(n) religious agenda,  a belief.   At this point, I want to fight for someone.  That could be at 33, 26, or 47.  I’d prefer 23.

It’s an odd mix these days.  Quite translucent (possibly opaque) to even my own analysis.   Star Trek to decisive interruptions to stupid clichés to genuine laughter to storybook.

the lack of emotion freezes even the warmest of climates.  it slowly stiffens the tender heart.  it creates a fear of feeling and thus feeling becomes lesser known.  when the heart grows colder, it does not see the risk is worth its time.  it is so bent on ruling others control that any such vulnerability is not permitted unless reciprocity is guaranteed.  A sad state.

–

my institution:  Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

the world outside:  post-apocyliptic world from The Book of Eli (film)

the world we destroy ignore: Pandora from Avatar (film)

We are content in our ignorance oblivious to the Eli world and defend our rights to destroy to annex Pandora.

–

Polity later.

Risk?  If so, you shall know soon enough.

~Tulkas

1-  The Patriot (2000)

Wrong.

Misinterpretations. Assumptions. And suddenly the shade has been cast.  There is no casting it off.  The paranoia is not what once was.  However, the news was so unexpected.  A slight reminiscence of the long night 3 years ago: the worst you imagined actually was true.  Presently, apathy has thus prevented the same emotions as that defining evening.

So is it time to truly leave this all behind.  For eight weeks I did this.  I ignored the small populace that I encountered every afternoon.  Between a brilliant social activity and the trip out west, I decided to scrap my blunt apathy and strive for friendship even though I leave in mere months.   As the recent trip concluded, I was convinced I had made the best decision and that it had been blessed.   Its quite mind-boggling how that all can change in mere minutes.   Why continue to strive against a young, overly cautious, and sometimes immature audience?  I have nothing to offer.  Nothing to leave as a legacy.  And newfound confidence [within this audience] can breed arrogance that is limitless.

Maybe the rescue adventure last night was a blessing in disguise.  I have never forgotten frustration [with the young] so quickly.  Last night was not an evening of glorious victory but rather a lesson learned by another sort of young.   So in some ways I do praise Him for this Victory.

So far Lúthien has been silent from view.  I see many good hearts with skewed expectations or festering wounds that block any clear vision.   This is not to say that I deserve any such heart [whether it be good or bad] for I deserve none.  I have much work to do before I promise lifelong unity.   I simply grow weary of the utopian standard all many carry in their pursuit of pleasure.  I do not begrudge the toil that my pursuit of what again? may cause,  but rather question the paradox of acidic happiness that is increasingly popular among this bitter generation, especially at my institution.

The tirade has concluded.  The truth stated.

~Tulkas

Don’t quote me Scripture.
Don’t quote me platitudes.
Cliches bring apathy here.

What gives you and I the ambition to carry out the pointless requirements of the day?

Do I live only strive for the purposed duties and ignore all others? As a student, this policy is fateful.

The search of what I am fighting for…

I’ll tell you in 60 years.

His wife passed into Eressea centuries before.  He grew weary of the conflict that ensnared the lives around him.  His only daughter was to sail unto eternity with him.  He now would choose to accept the grief of this departure.  She had chosen mortality.  However, he gave an Ultimatum to the mortal man.  He must accept the Kingship to which he is heir to.  His exile must cease.

She gave up her immortality for his hand in marriage.

He gave his daughter to a mortal man.

He must rise the occasion, become who he was born to be, and claim the Crown that was lost centuries ago.

—–

What will she sacrifice?   Will her father bless the union?

Will I lead courageously and claim the Responsibility that I am heir to?

—–

Where is Tinúviel? Undómiel?

~Tulkas

The holidays are here. Yes, my lights were up in my room weeks ago (and have since malfunctioned). Black Friday begins in less than 8 hours. Best of luck to the midnight shoppers…I will be sleeping. This year, the university has 2 weeks of classes after Thanksgiving (as opposed to 1 week). I am still counting the advantages of this change and simultaneously baffled as to why this has not been done in previous years.

I am looking forward to the film Invictus. View the trailer here Morgan Freeman stars as Nelson Mandela.

Oprah says goodbye in 2011

Obama will be at West Point next Tuesday to announce his decision for Afghanistan

Harry Reid will be hard-pressed to pass the 2,000 page healthcare plan

Google Chrome OS needs some serious work before it’s release

call me a communication’s addict, but it drives me nuts when people think that saying nothing will communicate a (negative) message clearly.   if there’s no trust, there will be no clarity.  what happened to trust?

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

~Tulkas

Thus relaxation is never genuine.  My world is tighter than ever before.  Suffocated by my desire to control.  Blind to all colors.

Exhaustion takes me.

The cycle reboots.

~Tulkas

The desire to fight.  To fight for something.  Not some damned religious agenda (as is the common practice within place I reside).  What happened to fighting one person?  It might a dear friend whom you care for.  It could be that person of exquisite beauty that always leaves you in suspense.   Instead we start our fight and procede to brag about the fact we are actually fighting.  Our ego defines our personality.

This place does not assist in the act of humility.  Rather it has potential to intensify one’s ego.  Yes it is blessed with expensive bells and whistles.   One can certainly state that God has bless this place.  But it does not spur on a sacrificial lifestyle.  While this responsibility remains in the individual…it would be wise to create an environment that does not do the following:

1. stimulate an emotional Faith that can only grow in comfort

2. equivicate excellence with material expense (implicit in nature)

3. create community that has foundations based on feeling

4. create movements that are easy to verbalize but difficult to act upon

There are the real ones here.  They do exist.  I am privileged and honored to know some of them.  Our time comes to an end next spring.   What of the new leaders here?

Can we break this facade that is suffocating and nauseating?  The music resounds like a clanging gong three times a week.  The words become little more than another attempt…attempt at what??

The more I hear about love,  the more ghostly it becomes.

The more I see love, the more I strive to Learn and Trust.

——

90 years ago tomorrow concluded the Great War.

What mistakes have we yet to learn from?

~Tulkas

Red Tape.  I do not care for it.  For the past few months, I have been in the process of applying for an internship.  After various email and phone correspondence I received approval and only had one simple step left.  To go and register for the “class”.   The past 3.5 hours illustrate that this process can be anything but simple.  Alas, I think all is going to be well by tomorrow.

David Frost.  A genius my friends.  I watched the film “Frost/Nixon” this past weekend and was very impressed with almost every aspect of the film.   The best film I have seen in at least the past year.

“You know the first and greatest sin of the deception of television is that it simplifies; it diminishes great, complex ideas, trenches of time; whole careers become reduced to a single snapshot. At first I couldn’t understand why Bob Zelnick was quite as euphoric as he was after the interviews, or why John Birt felt moved to strip naked and rush into the ocean to celebrate. But that was before I really understood the reductive power of the close-up, because David had succeeded on that final day, and getting for a fleeting moment what no investigative journalist, no state prosecutor, no judiciary committee or political enemy had managed to get; Richard Nixon’s face swollen and ravaged by loneliness, self-loathing in defeat. The rest of the project and its failings would not only be forgotten, they would totally cease to exist.”  ¹

Amateur Radio Update:

I got an FT7800R.  It’s a dual-band mobile FM transceiver.²   My HT FT-60R would put out 5W and this mobile rig puts out 50W!  So far it is working decently.  However, I am looking to get a new mobile antenna (Larson NMO, Diamond?) and that will have have to wait until mid-summer.   I am hoping I can actually participate in some storm spotting this summer in the Indpls area.

I must return to the northern banks of Grant County (where the internet is not available for non-dialup notebooks)

~Tulkas

¹-http://www.originalmq.com/?p=368

²http://www.universal-radio.com/CATALOG/fm_txvrs/3780.html

First wedding of four is tomorrow at 1400h.  Life is too fast my friends.  Will I ever get married? I sincerely hope so.

I see Obama is still struggling to find a possible solution to …. well.  Take your pick.

Mitch Daniels.  I applaud the man.  Let’s hope the Indiana House passes a reasonable budget.  (That means you, Pat Bauer, need to learn what bipartisanship means)

I am about to sleep for many hours.  Good night my friends.

~Tulkas

Grass. Mud. Mulch.

Mowing. Mulching. Planting.

Creating. Curing. Replenishing.

There is no constant formula to these cultivations of nature.  Each one requires specific care in an action that is constantly adapting, flexing, and evolving.  It’s a relationship of sorts.   I have but scratched the surface of this evolution. But my curiosity has only been permitted because of my isolation.

complete isolation?  not in the least.  The thrills of Law and Order and dare I say Twitter still consume segments of my day (primarily after dusk).  However, this time spent with tools of iron rather than spinning hard drives has been refreshing.  I could even venture to say that time finds it’s speed close to that of an afternoon spent on Hulu and Facebook.

Orwell’s Big Brother.

He is present.  But unseen and not directly acknowledged.

We do not recognize that we are being dictated by our own possessions.  We are defined by these things.  They do one of two things.    They either push us towards the spotlight of American Idol or pull us back into our corners of Depression.

John Bibee’s Spirit Flyer series (8 books) illustrate this very well.  In the 3rd book, The Only Game In Town, junior-high students in the fictional town of Centerville are all competing in a “game” to receive the highest point total and subsequently “rank” among their peers.  However, this game is based one’s popularity, attractiveness, and academic success.

What game are you playing?